All your Death Stars are belong to us

Most leading linguistic experts agree that the best way to gauge your progress in a new language is by watching Star Wars.

Okay, I just made that up, but several people have been asking me how my German is going, and I'm not sure how to measure that sort of thing. (I'm sure they just want a polite, "Fine, thanks" but that's not the point.) I just finished my fourth month of German, which makes me eligible for some sort of Basic German Certificate. Another eight months of study and I can apply for the I'm a German Speaker Certificate (actual name may vary).

They mark on a scale of 1 to 5 here, 1 being the best and 5 being failure. I had 1's across the board, in vocabulary, grammar, conversation, and writing. Twenty-eight-years old and I get my first perfect report card. Go figure.

Anyway, to help you understand how far I've come (and so you can laugh at how far I have to go), here are some key scenes from Star Wars Episode IV: A New Nope (Eine Neue Hoffnung). I watched them on my DVDs in German and translated them as best I could into English, as if I didn't know what the real lines were. (I also ignored context. Even if I didn't know Star Wars at all, I'd be able to figure out that Darth Vader didn't say "I am the leader of the screen," but I translated it that way to show where my comprehension level is.

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

The opening title card and crawl:

It was once a long time ago in a far, far distant galaxy . . .

It [something] war. The rebellion, spaceship from a secret place, has the first [something] against the evil galactic Empire. During [something] the rebellion’s spies, secret plans about the absolute [something] that the Empire owns, the Death Star, a space station, with firepower to destroy a whole planet. Followed by Imperial agents, Princess Leia on board her starship in her homeland, [something] plans. The people and freedom in the galaxy could . . .


Leia’s message:
General Kenobi, a long time ago you served my father in the Clone Wars. Now he wants your help in the fight against the Empire. I’d like you to [something] my father’s prayers. In fact my space ship has been [something] and unfortunately is my [something] to bring [something] to Alderaan [something]. I have information, from which the [something] the Rebellion hangs in the [something] of this R2 [something]. My father can [something]. I lay it with you, that this droid [something] to Alderaan [something]. This is our [something] hour. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You are my last hope.


Greedo vs. Han:

Greedo: Where do you want to go then, Solo?
Han: Yes, Greedo. You had to [something], but I wanted directly to my boss.
Say Jabba, that I have his money.
Greedo: Too late! You should have paid when you had the chance. Jabba has a price on your head. Every money-seeking head hunter in the galaxy is now behind you. I’m lucky that I was the first person to find you.
Han: Yes, but this time I really have the money.
Greedo: Give it to me and maybe I’ll forget that I found you.
Han: Of course I don't have it here. Say Jabba . . .
Greedo: Jabba is finished with you! He has nothing for a smuggler who normally [something] first sign given by an Imperial cruiser.
Han: My ship itself gets entered. Do you believe I had a choice?
Greedo: You can explain that to Jabba. Maybe he’ll only take your ship.
Han: Only over my [something].
Greedo: Exactly! I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time!
Han: I can imagine that.

[Unfortunately, even in German, Greedo shoots first]



Darth vs. Obi-Wan

Darth: I have expected you, Obi-Wan. Finally we once again [something]. The crisis is closed. When I left you, I was the student. Now I am the master.
Ben: Only evil’s master, Darth.
Darth: You have [something], old man.
Ben: You cannot win, Darth, If you hit me, I will become stronger than you can imagine.
Darth: You should have not come.


Luke destroys the Death Star

Luke: Biggs, Wedge. We’re bringing this to an end. We’re going with full strength. That has to stop the fighters from our necks.
Wedge: It’s right, boss.
Biggs: Luke, if you come at that tempo, can you still go at the right time?
Luke: If nothing is continued. A child’s game!
Biggs: We’re stopping enough to give you the ceiling.
Wedge: My equipment shows the tower, but I don’t see the ventilation opening. Can the computer find it?
Luke: Take care of yourselves. Go to full power.
Wedge: What is with the tower?
Luke: You worry about the fighters. I will worry about the tower. R2, the stabilizer is lost. See if you can fix it.
Biggs: Fighters coming from .3.
Wedge: I’m hit. I must [something].
Luke: Leave, Wedge. You use nothing back anymore.
Wedge: Sorry.
Vader: Leave him. We stay on the leader.
Biggs: Fast, Luke. They’re coming much faster this time.
Luke: R2, collect yet more juice!
Biggs: Hurry, look! Fast! Fast!
[Biggs is killed]
Death Star Voice: Rebel base in 30 seconds.
Darth: I am the leader of the screen.
C-3PO: Pull through, R2.
Ben’s voice: Trust the Force, Luke. Give yourself to the Force, Luke.
Darth: The force is [something] with this there.
Ben’s voice: Luke, trust me.
Rebel voice: His computer is turned off. Luke, you’ve turned off your targeting computer. What’s wrong?
Luke: Nothing. Everything is okay. [R2 is hit] R2 is hit!
Rebel voice: The death star has encircled the planet. The death star has encircled the planet.
Death Star Voice: Rebel base in [something].
Tarkin: Fire, as soon as your ready.
Death Star Voice: Light the main [something].
Vader: Now I have you. [Han arrives] What was that!?
Stormtrooper: Be careful!
[The stormtrooper dies and Vader spins off into space]
Han: Everything’s okay, boy. Let’s high [something] that thing and fly!
Death Star Voice: Everything is ready. Everything is ready.
[The Death Star explodes]
Han: Great shot, boy! A one in a million hit!
Ben’s voice: Don’t forget. The force will be with you. Always.
-----
Cheers,
John

I can take a joke as well as the next person . . .

Whenever I get hate mail, I open it with great trepidation. I'm always afraid that one of my detractors will hit me with a well-reasoned argument that will force me to say "You know what, you're absolutely right. I apologize, and a retraction will run next week." Fortunately, that's never happened.

Here are some of the best hate mails I've received over the past year or so. I've removed the names because I can't remember which were private emails and which were letters to the editor. On the other hand, because these are the way they arrived in my inbox, you can see the original "spelling" and "grammar." I've ordered them from least silly to most silly. Enjoy!

-----------------
I'll start with a couple of rants from people who merely seem to hate me:

From a CBC Radio Listener:
You asked the other day to give any comments your listeners may have regarding John Mazerole, and I would like to say that as far as I am concerned your station would improve 50% if you told him...."hasta la vista" John. We do not really need his whining puerile commentary any more, so we do what normal people do when he comes on...........switch off.

At least he enjoys me enough that the station would only improve 50 per cent if I left, as opposed to 100 per cent. Dan Culberson tells me the space after puerile is a sure sign he cut and pasted it in from somewhere else.
-------------------------------------
I never did figure out what this one was about. The email address was the charming snatchlicker@hotmail.com

Ms. Mazerolle;

I can appreciate a person emulating another as a role model, but to have a person blatanly copy another person is inexcusable. I belive you know what I mean. I can't restrain myself...YOU SUCK!! I HOPE YOU DIE MOTHERFUCKER! YOU AREN'T FUNNY! STAY IN MOTHERFUCKING AUSTRIA, DON'T LOG ONTO THE INTERNET, AND KEEP SUCKING EUROPEAN COCK! Love and regards;

Jonah
-------------------------------

After I wrote a column which included a section that made fun of how white Canadians always either vilify natives or mythologize them, I received this:

Just read your column from Jul 28-Aug 3, the title stated in the subjet header. I am not native but I was very offended by the section entitled "Red Indians Network".
I realize that the column is supposed to be humorous, however you went too far here. "backwards people", "marker-sniffing" and "crime causing" ???? I know you made this quotation up and that's what makes it even more disturbing. By trying to be funny you are only perpetuating racism -- all too often echoed in the main stream newspapers as well. I don't care if you are a columnist or if it's a freebie paper, you still have a responsibility for every word you write if you take yourself seriously as a legitimate journalist. If you were looking for a cheap laugh, you didn't get it from me or from my other friends that read it.

----------------------------

After I wrote a column where I mocked people who say "I hate Americans" as if you can paint 350-million people with the same brush, I finished with a plea for tolerance, then the ironic ending, "Except for Albertans. I hate those bastards." I received this:

My name is XXXXXX and I am writing you in concern to you latest article in Here. I am a Maritimer that lived in Calgary for 5 years. I'm writing to tell you that I agree with your view on Americans... they all are not that bad. However, your comment on Alberta is very hypocritical and the line ' [Albertans] I hate those
bastards,' is uncalled for and borders on the line of a hate crime. I'm writing for you to strongly consider putting a public apology in your next slot in Here. I truly believe that you are just an average Joe like I am, and in keeping with a truly Canadian identity, I truly believe that we need to keep our mouth shut sometimes - even if we hate somebody. Speaking hate against a member or members of a
minority group are just as bad as speaking it about caucasians from Alberta. If you'd like to talk about this, feel free to drop me a line or call me at XXXXXX. It wouldn't be very 'Canadian' to launch a complaint with the RCMP. So please address this, I'd really appreciate it. Please don't take offence to this, I've said my share of 'dumb' things in the past. Raised in Alberta.....

------------------------------

In a recent column, I was the first-ever journalist to note that the Rolling Stones are old. I also said that the fan base is broader than I would expect for the band. I got this:

Dear Mr. Mazerolle I understand your job as humour columnist but your supposed humour in the May 19-26 issue of Here Magazine, I being a hardcore, devoted Rolling Stones
fan find a bit difficulty not responding to it. It seems a little surprising that bring an employee of the CBC and not having the slightest idea of the musical and historical significance of the Rolling Stones. To even include the Stones name in the same paragraph as Sharon, Lois and Bram is neither humerous or creative. It serves only as a blatant showing of ignorance, mindlessness and a prime example of a free newspaper columnists commentary on things they know nothing about. I guess also as an example of the uneducated, snotty attitude that a god portion of the current crop of
crap of so called music “artists” today possess. Also, to suggest the Stones “have not put out a solid album since the Cimean War…” well never mind. I obviously assume you’ve never listen to a Rolling Stones record before. You’re only aware of how old they are. I can only suggest you pick up Voodoo Lounge or Bridges to Babylon. And no the Rolling stones do not have “eerier powers”. They provoke such emotion, excitement, and passion simply because they truly are “the greatest rock and roll band in the World,” past, present, and yes quite possible the future. But even before that, they more than any other legendary band have created some of the most beautiful, melodically rich, rockin’ songs in the history of popular music. ON the contrary to what you may already assume. I am not some bitter over 50 year old. I’m 23, I love music, I know what’s real and will defend it.
Hope to see ya at the show1111
Rolling Stone,
XXXXXXX
Ps the “two other guys” are Charlie Watts, and Darryl Jones.

--------------

And now my favourite. After an anti-smoking column (which I return to in this week's issue of 'here'), I received the best hate-mail ever. The death threat she's referring to was making fun of smokers who say, "Well, we all have to die some time" I wrote something like, "I'll help them with that, they feel so strongly about it."

My name is XXXXXXX and I read the Here Magazine every week, and every week you manage to upset me. I don't know if you enjoy upsetting people or if you are just an ignorant man who only cares about his owns views and oppinions. Every body has the right to their own oppionion, but know one has the right to threaten someones life, as you did. I take what you had to say in your most recent column on smoking very personally as I am a smoker. What gives you the right to call people you don't even know stupid, I happen to be a very smart woman.....and you say you want to kill me, honestly, who do you think you are. You want to kill people, maybe you should be in
prison. Maybe you are a threat to society. I am very respectfull to none smokers, I do not smoke around them and even if a none smoker is in my home, (MY HOME), I will not smoke around them. I normally try to blow off any of your thoughts or opinions but this week you went to far. I can't believe you can even write in a paper that you would like to kill someone.....I think you need to seek professional help.

--------

So, in conclusion, my job rocks.

Cheers,
John

Second (to none) Stage

In honour of the Second Stagers and their most recent performances, here's my list of the best productions from the troupe.

10)
Our Town by Thornton Wilder
Directed by Jay Rawding

I'm not a fan of the script. It's the definition of dated. But it was worth it to see Lisa Flower step inside the stockings of Emily Webb. Natural and theatrical simultaneously. Nice.

9)
The Creative Process by Jay Rawding
Directed by Dan Culberson

I've seen some variation on this idea probably a half a dozen times, but this one was the best. Paced perfectly. (I could have done without the crossdressing, though.) Anthony Bourque's performance was very funny.

8)
Penguin Blues by Ethan Philips
Directed by Dan Culberson

Working with what I think was a three-week rehearsal window, Tim and Bet (and therefore Dan) made the play hard to watch, in a good way. "And I was just a little boy. I was just a little boy." Brrr...

7)
The Red Glove by Bet O'Toole
Directed by Andrea Arbour

I sometimes find Bet's writing overwrought (look who's talking), but this play was a whole bunch of "S"s: simple, sweet, and, above all, satisfying.

6)
Coconut by Dan Culberson
Directed by Jay Rawding

I've learned a lot of things from Second Stage, and here's what I learned from Coconut. Don't judge a play by its script. On the page, Coconut looked nonsensical to the point of stupidity, as opposed to absurdity. But on the stage, where it matters, Dan's script (and Brian's performance) were downright sublime. Touch the coconut, and think of the good things.

5)
The Doomsday Clock by Scott Marshall
Directed by Andrea Arbour

If this were a one-line-pitch competition, The Doomsday Clock would be the hands-down winner. The kind of out-of-left field idea, rich with potential, that makes one think, "Wish I'd thought of that." And, oh yeah, there's lesbians.

4)
Table for Two by John Mazerolle
Directed by Dan Culberson

I'm biased, so take this with a grain of salt. Good performances from Lydia and Mel, and a breakneck pace from Dan. Would that I could write like this more often.

3) Ashes by Anthony Stuart
Directed by John Mazerolle

There was something joyously contagious about this production. You could feel the smile in the room, even when people weren't laughing, and they laughed a lot. Of all the plays on this list, it's the only one where I can't imagine ANYBODY saying, "Oh, I didn't like that one."

2)
Pants by Dan Culberson
Directed by Dan Culberson

Dan pulls off a comedic miracle. The play that stays equally funny no matter how many times you see it performed. It's positively elastic, yet it never felt scattershot. I don't think it's too much to say it's ingenious.

1)
Photoshop Time by Scott Marshall
Directed by Jay Rawding

Some of the best acting, one of the best scripts, and (without a doubt) the best directing Second Stage has had. Scott was mildly scolding himself recently, wanting to push himself to improve, but I think this Mobius Strip of a script is at a professional level already. Add in some terrific acting from first-timer Jason and seasoned vet Alex, and you have Second Stage's best moment.

So far, of course.

Cheers,
John

Another senseless quagmire

From today's Times and Transcript:

Party ends in arson, assault, bog chase
Burnt Church man arrested, faces arson, aggravated assault charges

A Burnt Church man left a trail of destruction behind him Tuesday afternoon that included broken teeth, a burned-down house and a police officer stuck in a bog.

--------------
In honour of those brave Second Stagers who will be taking to the Second Stage for the second time tonight, might I suggest to the writers among us that we build a play around this sordid tale? Culberson, I'm looking at you.

Cheers,
John

Plane talking

Because the web layout people at Brunswick News seem incapable of laying out my column with bold, italics, and the proper paragraph breaks, no matter how many times I complain, here is this week's humour column.

Plane talking
Air France Flight 358: Best plane crash ever?

The crash of Air France flight 358 was great, wasn't it? The brisk, refreshing taste of catastrophe, but with none of the offputting aftertaste usually caused by corpses and grieving relatives and whatnot. Finally, a plane crash journalists can embrace!

An airplane crash without casualties is like a gift from God for those of us in the journalistic community, because it offers us the opportunity to joke about it publicly, the same way that we joke privately about every other plane crash. You will be no doubt be shocked to learn that journalists frequently talk glibly about disasters, whether they be minor accidents like a Cessna crash, or major catastrophes, like Michael Jackson.

Here's why we do it: Our constant exposure to carnage and destruction, made necessary by our solemn duty to bring you the latest developments worldwide, requires us to create various "release valves" that help us maintain our mental health.

Also, we are jerks.

With that in mind, here are some of my observations about Air France Flight 358 and plane crashes in general. Note that I have resisted the urge to call it a crash course.

The media were duped: This accident was unique in that it forced the world media to pay attention to a crash where everything turned out okay. That's unprecedented. If this had happened at a less prominent airport, the story would have aired in the evening-news slot usually reserved for the world's largest rutabaga or a dog playing piano. I was watching the crash coverage live on CNN and, as it became clear that everybody had survived, you could almost hear the station's reporters cancelling their trips to Canada. "That's very encouraging news!" Wolf Blitzer kept shouting about the survivors. Though I'm sure he was thinking, "It's not news anymore!"

Adjectives + Plane Crashes, Lesson I: Because everybody survived, talking heads in the media couldn't use any of their favourite disaster cliches. Usually plane disasters are described as "tragic." This helps the viewer distinguish between a tragic plane crash and the other kind: "This news just in. Three hundred and twenty people were killed yesterday in an upbeat plane crash, when Air Canada flight 113 plunged happily into a mountainside. Officials are calling the crash "agreeable," as it killed 302 terminally ill patients on their way to a Euthanasia Conference. The flight crew did not survive, but they were all part of a pedophilia ring, so no loss."

Adjectives + Plane Crashes, Lesson II: On the other hand, because everybody survived, the media were able to label the crash "a miracle." I hate that. In this case, it takes away from the excellent job the firefighters and flight crew did. But at least it's not as bad as when an entire flight complement dies except for a child or two, and they become "miracle babies," as if God decided to save a couple of people but couldn't have been bothered with the whole plane. Or maybe He's just clumsy. Theologians could call it graceless Grace. At any rate, let's ban the term "Miracle Flight" until a plane with no wings is landed safely by Jesus, 'kay?

The survivors are resilient in their stupidity: Sometimes a major catastrophe can cause a person to lose perspective, so it's nice to see that so many of the Air France passengers were able to quickly re-enter their former lives as morons. The day after the crash, some survivors complained that the escape was frantic (imagine!) and involved a four-metre jump from one door because the emergency slide wouldn't deploy.

Also, some relatives had to wait a whole hour before they were informed their loved ones were okay.

So next time, following the advice of these passengers, Air France will provide a slow and orderly departure from the burning aircraft ("Tea? Coffee? Evacuation?"), and loved ones will be told that everybody is fine, whether they can confirm that or not. And if one of the emergency slides won't deploy, then, by gum, they'll take the time to fetch and inflate a new one. That's how much they care about their customers.

If I were Air France, I'd offer free crash landings to any disappointed survivor until they're completely satisfied.

Wouldn't it be nice to read an entire news story - even a relatively positive story like this one - and not have to wonder why people are so tragic? Now that would be a miracle.

I am Jack's profound sense of disappointment

Liking a movie that other people hated can be fun.

You can feel as if you've understood a clever joke or deciphered a complex formula that left others scratching their heads. Sometimes it can even help define your personality. I am somehow pleased that I loved A.I. while other people despised it. And consider yourself judged if you thought Groundhog Day was repetitive.

But disliking (or simply liking less) a film that others enjoy usually leaves me feeling sour, especially if it's a cultish movie that my close friends admire. I keep wondering if I've missed something, or even if I should watch it again. So here are 10 movies - many of which I've enjoyed - that I can't seem to get my head around. People who love these films can feel free to extol their virtues. I'm all ears, unless you like Fight Club.

10) Citizen Kane (***1/2)
I think Orson Welles' masterpiece is a great film. It doesn't step wrong. But I have hard time with its perpetual spot atop the list of the world's greatest films. Welles introduced many new filmmaking techniques - or at least was the first to use them in a successful film - but, free from that context, I have a hard time seeing it as any better than, say, The Third Man, or Singin' in the Rain, or Rashomon, three films I enjoy more.

9) Monty Python and the Holy Grail (***)
I love Monty Python, too, but it's beyond me why this is the film everyone quotes, when Life of Brian is superior in almost every way. Life of Brian has better production values, a more cohesive story, a more satisfying ending, and full frontal nudity. Of course, those things are largely irrelevant to a Monty Python fan, who just wants some sublime silliness. But Life of Brian is better on that count, too. The Latin conjugation scene in Brian is funnier than anything in Holy Grail.

8) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (**1/2)
Tolkien lovers seem to enjoy this movie the most of the three. I like it the least. I found it far too episodic, occasionally confusing, and generally unsatisfying. It's also the only film of the three in which the extended DVD footage isn't an improvement (the Fellowship seems to spend an entire generation in the elfin forest). I do like it better as part of the 10-hour überfilm, though.

7) Braveheart (*1/2)
Bad, bad, bad. Worst best-film Oscar winner ever? I haven't come close to seeing them all, but yes. When Mel started to quiver at the end, I was sinking into my chair with embarassment. "Freedom!" he cried, and I took his advice and fled from the King Square cinema as quickly as I could. I still believe this film is why they tore that theatre down.

6) Miller's Crossing (**1/2)
A Finnish friend here in Austria practically demanded that I see this. So we watched it together, and I was overcome with a strong feeling of "Sneh." It's fine, but it's mostly a Coen brothers style piece. I'd rather watch Blood Simple. There was nothing about the dialogue, the acting, or the plot that made me think it was special. And the ambiguity of the protagonist - he seems to have no motivation beyond keeping his hat - wasn't offputting, but neither was it as intriguing as some people apparently find it. Mr. Marshall, can you help me out here?

5) Some Like it Hot (**1/2)
Constantly billed as the best comedy of all time, I enjoyed it but barely laughed. Maybe I was too young when I saw it (I was roughly 20). And the much-lauded last line isn't THAT good.

4) Blade Runner (**)
This is probably the one I feel worst about. Science fiction. Harrison Ford. Production design that's been mimicked by every future-Earth film since. And for some reason, when I watch it - I can't explain it, don't judge me - I fluctuate between annoyed and bored. Maybe I should read the story.

3) Shawshank Redemption (**1/2)
This overlong, self-important Stephen King film has been near or at the top of the Internet Movie Database's fan favourites list forever. Why? There's nothing wrong with the film exactly, but do we really need 142 minutes to get the point, "Carpe Diem"?

2) Reservoir Dogs (**1/2)
If this had been a short film - like TV short - it would have been picture perfect. But, while it's unique, I don't find the dialogue nearly so interesting as most people do. And Tim Roth's miraculous rise from the dead, at a moment when he clearly would have no blood left in his body, made me groan. Easily my least favourite Tarantino film (Four Rooms aside, natch).

1) Fight Club (*1/2)
This film starts out fantastic, descends to great, then good, then fair, then bad, then ridiculous. And, whenever I think about the film, I like it even less. The don't-talk-about-it twist is just silly. But what really gets me is that the film seems to take its materialism-is-bad message seriously. Not that I couldn't get behind a film with that message, but
a) it's a Hollywood film starring two men who probably made at least $10-million; and
b) the suggested solution seems to be terrorism and, on a personal level, self-immolation.

Or maybe I'm missing the point.

Comments?

A visitor's guide to Vienna (For Lisa and Anthony)

It's customary to start travel pieces with the following formula:

"At first glance, INSERT PLACE HERE may appear to be little more than INSERT PRECONCEPTIONS HERE. But, once you've been here for just a few days, you'll begin to realize that INSERT THE WONDER OF THE LOCATION AND ITS "TRUE" PERSONA HERE."

Alas, Vienna ('Wien' to the locals) does not fit very well into this tidy little blueprint. Most people, when they're not confusing Vienna with Venice, think of the Austrian capital as a place of grand architecture, classical music, and quaint coffeehouses. And, by George, they're right. Vienna is not the "cool" place other European centres are, if by "cool" you mean cutting-edge liberal thought by day, and avant-garde techno clubs by night. (Those are stereotypes too, I imagine, but that's a different topic.)

Vienna is a pleasant mixture of down-to-earth people and reaching-for-the-heavens culture. Somehow the resting place of Strauss, Mozart, and Beethoven never seems pretentious. What you see is what you get, but what you see is gold. Here are 50 quick pointers for touring Vienna. The things to see, and the tips to look out for. Enjoy!

THE BASICS

Arrival:
The Vienna International Airport (Flughafen Wien) is about 20 km southwest of the city. When you arrive, you can decide how to get to your hotel based on how much luggage you have, how tired you are, and how much you're willing to spend. The easiest way, of course, is the most expensive. But given a trans-Atlantic flight, a 30 Euro taxi ride is definitely your best bet.

Language:
It's not true that everybody speaks English, though many people do. It's comparable to Quebec City, in terms of how much of your native tongue you'll encounter. The more touristy, upscale, or central the place, the more likely someone will speak English. Learning a little German is necessary though, even if only to be polite.

Weather:
September in Vienna tends to be warmer than September in New Brunswick, but, like the Picture Province, it can be extremely changeable. Heck, in just the last two weeks we've had one day when it was 38 degrees and another when it was 17. So pack like you would for the sea: ready to dress in layers.

Electricity:
Ask an expert. My laptop works fine with just a cheap plug adaptor, but I think it's built for dual voltage. For other items, you might need a more expensive converter or transformer; I'm thinking specifically of camera and video camera rechargers. I'm not certain an adaptor is enough, and not willing to put your equipment at risk with an uneducated guess. Austria runs at 230 volts, 50 hertz, if that helps.

Money:
The currency is the Euro. A 100 Euro withdrawal with my bank card costs me approximately $150 Canadian dollars, plus the $3 withdrawal charge. My bank card works great, but if yours doesn't work while you're here, you're in trouble. So you may want to look into traveller's cheques or carrying some cash. Credit cards are widely accepted, too, though not so much as at home. As anywhere, it's better to get your money changed at a bank than at a hotel, airport, or bureau de change. Again, it's probably best to ask other travellers. My case isn't typical.

Transportation:
Getting around Vienna is easy, and you won't need a car or a taxi. The subways (U-Bahn), trams (Strassenbahn), trains (Zug), and buses (Autobus) run often and well. Unless it's the middle of the night the longest I ever have to wait is 15 minutes, and that feels like an eternity. To get to your hotel from the downtown, you have two obvious choices that you may want to write down (and some less obvious ones that would be too confusing here.)

Either: A) Get to Schottentor (not to be confused with Schottenring) and take the streetcar to Sieveringerstrasse, which is the street your hotel is on.
or
B) Get on the U4 subway (The Green Line) or another subway line that connects with it and take the subway to Heilingenstadt, which is the end of the line. Go to platform three (Bahnsteig drei) and take the S45 to Oberdöbling. Get out there. It's a two-minute walk to the hotel.

Those directions will seem straightforward once you see what they're talking about. Promise.

Costs:
Vienna is more expensive than home, but not as expensive as London, Berlin or other big cities in Western Europe. As at home, food is much cheaper if you buy it at a supermarket. A can of coke will cost you about half a Euro in a supermarket, one Euro from a vending machine, 1.50 at a convienence store and as much as 4 Euros at a restaurant. Items are cheaper outside Vienna. And if you happen to travel to Hungary or Slovakia for a day, the prices positively plummet.

THINGS TO SEE AND DO:

The Ring:
Like many old cities, Vienna used to have a centre encircled by a wall. However, last century one of the rulers decided to tear it down and replace it with a 4 km long street filled with some of the most ridiculously overwrought buildings on the planet. The Ring is also good for orientation: if you encounter a "Ring" street - Opernring, Dr. Karl Renner-Ring, etc. - then you are either leaving or entering the inner city.

The Prater:
The Prater is a large park dominated by a permanent amusement park and a world-famous Ferris wheel (Riesenrad), which figures in many touristy photos and in the excellent noir film The Third Man. Good place to be goofy after all the architecture and cappucino. There's also a restaurant where you can order an enormous pig's leg, still on the bone.

Kahlenberg:
A largish hill/smallish mountain on the northern side of the city. It's a relatively quick tram/bus ride from your hotel, and it offers a great view of the entire city.

Museums and galleries:
There are dozens.

Schönbrunn and Belevedere Palaces:
Schloss Schönbrunn was a summer house for some of Austria's past rulers. Nice digs if you can afford them. It's also home to the West's oldest zoo. Schloss Belvedere was where Austria gained its independence, in 1955. The foreign minister stepped out on to the balcony and yelled to crowd below, "Österreich ist frei!" ("Austria is free!")

Stephansdom:
Big ol' church.

Melk:
We plan to take a river cruise down the Danube while you're here, to the small town of Melk. There's a monestary there. Don't worry, it's more exciting than it sounds. It has skeletons.

LITTLE THINGS:

Watch your step:
Three things about walking in Vienna.
1) Watch for doggie doo-doo. There's lots of it.
2) Don't jaywalk. The locals don't.
3) Get used to the idea that a small 'ding-ding' sound means "look out!" That sound means you're either about to be hit by a bicycle or streetcar. Either way, remember U.S. homeland security's advice and keep a high level of personal awareness at all times.

Keep to the right:
If you stand on the left on an escalator, you're in somebody's way. It only took me four months to figure that one out.

Vienna is safe:
Crime is low, there have been no recent terrorist threats, and public transport is safe. The only place I would try to avoid is the Karlsplatz subway station, which is very seedy, though not really actively dangerous. Just unpleasant. Lots of ne'er-do-wells. I'm also told the Prater is not a good place to be once the sun goes down.

The water is safe:
In fact, it's usually delicious. Filters are not necessary.

Watch for ticks:
If you walk in the woods in Austria, you should keep your skin covered. In rare cases, tick bites can cause encephalitis. So, no sandals or shorts if you go for a countryside hike. You can find more information about the little buggers here.

I trust that's enough for now. If you have any more questions (I can't imagine), then ask away. Can't wait till you arrive.

Cheers,
John

Tragically Hip Quote Bomb

I figure I might as well get a typical PG-rated post up as well.

"Quote Bomb." My very first meme. Isn't it cute?

The Hip have a box set coming out Nov. 1, with the atrocious-but-growing-on-me name "Hipeponymous." It's two discs, two DVDs, and a 48-page book. I love the Hip, mostly because of Gord Downie's lyrics. So here are 10 of my favourites, in ascending order toward the best. Enjoy.

10)

'It's freak turbulence' -
Just then the captain assures us we will land
'I'll have you on the ground
in 25 minutes or less."
'Or less,' did he say 'less'? Unless what?

("Freak Turbulence," Music@Work)

9) Nighttime, when the shadows cough, and you're chilled to the tips of your fingers.

("Yawning or Snarling" Day for Night)

8) You're smile is fading a bit, so I ration it.

("If New Orleans is beat", In Between Evolution)

7) Your imagination's having puppies

("Phantom Power," Phantom Power)

6)

Went back to bed this morning
And as I'm pulling down the blinds
I saw the sky was dull and hypothetical
And falling one cloud at a time

("Bobcaygeon," Phantom Power)

5)

Want to be a nobody without you.
Want to be a thought that's never done
Want to shake your faith in human nature
Want to break the hearts of everyone

("Lake Fever," Music@Work)

4) All of "Vancouver Divorce," which is actually a Gord Downie solo song, but I couldn't leave it out. It includes:

What the hell is this?
You said, "It's art, just fuckin' mirror it."
AND
Sitting here at the Horton's,
so you know this is important.
AND
Now that we've hammered the last spike
and we've punched the railroad through,
thought there'd be more to say
thought there'd be more to do.
I love your paintings-don't take your colors away.
I've grown more fearful of them every day.
Swimming up their dark rivers to discover your source,
a source of strange and unrequited remorse.
And I found the end of the world, of course,
but it's not the end of the world, of course.
It's just a Vancouver divorce.


3) The selection was quick, the crew was picked, and those left in the water got kicked off our pantleg, and we headed for home. Then the dream ends when the phone rings, "You doing alright“ he said. "It's out there most days and nights, but only a fool would complain. Anyway Susan, if you like, our conversation is as faint a sound in my memory as those fingernails scratching on my hull."

("Nautical Disaster," Day for Night)

2)

I remember you there at the table
Surrounded by all the day‘s plans
Eyes flickering you're trying
To let a coffee cup warm your hands
Maybe we're born lost
Born to persevere
But honey I'd walk into your painting
Until I reappeared
As a speck of comet-tail dust
A blue-green northern light
Flickering just
In your eyes' deepest ravines
Goodnight goodnight Josephine.

("Goodnight Josephine," In Between Evolution)

1)

I wrote unfriendly things, truly cruel, on the day that you were born
To prove that words can not touch beauty

("Put it off," Trouble at the Henhouse)