I can take a joke as well as the next person . . .

Whenever I get hate mail, I open it with great trepidation. I'm always afraid that one of my detractors will hit me with a well-reasoned argument that will force me to say "You know what, you're absolutely right. I apologize, and a retraction will run next week." Fortunately, that's never happened.

Here are some of the best hate mails I've received over the past year or so. I've removed the names because I can't remember which were private emails and which were letters to the editor. On the other hand, because these are the way they arrived in my inbox, you can see the original "spelling" and "grammar." I've ordered them from least silly to most silly. Enjoy!

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I'll start with a couple of rants from people who merely seem to hate me:

From a CBC Radio Listener:
You asked the other day to give any comments your listeners may have regarding John Mazerole, and I would like to say that as far as I am concerned your station would improve 50% if you told him...."hasta la vista" John. We do not really need his whining puerile commentary any more, so we do what normal people do when he comes on...........switch off.

At least he enjoys me enough that the station would only improve 50 per cent if I left, as opposed to 100 per cent. Dan Culberson tells me the space after puerile is a sure sign he cut and pasted it in from somewhere else.
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I never did figure out what this one was about. The email address was the charming snatchlicker@hotmail.com

Ms. Mazerolle;

I can appreciate a person emulating another as a role model, but to have a person blatanly copy another person is inexcusable. I belive you know what I mean. I can't restrain myself...YOU SUCK!! I HOPE YOU DIE MOTHERFUCKER! YOU AREN'T FUNNY! STAY IN MOTHERFUCKING AUSTRIA, DON'T LOG ONTO THE INTERNET, AND KEEP SUCKING EUROPEAN COCK! Love and regards;

Jonah
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After I wrote a column which included a section that made fun of how white Canadians always either vilify natives or mythologize them, I received this:

Just read your column from Jul 28-Aug 3, the title stated in the subjet header. I am not native but I was very offended by the section entitled "Red Indians Network".
I realize that the column is supposed to be humorous, however you went too far here. "backwards people", "marker-sniffing" and "crime causing" ???? I know you made this quotation up and that's what makes it even more disturbing. By trying to be funny you are only perpetuating racism -- all too often echoed in the main stream newspapers as well. I don't care if you are a columnist or if it's a freebie paper, you still have a responsibility for every word you write if you take yourself seriously as a legitimate journalist. If you were looking for a cheap laugh, you didn't get it from me or from my other friends that read it.

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After I wrote a column where I mocked people who say "I hate Americans" as if you can paint 350-million people with the same brush, I finished with a plea for tolerance, then the ironic ending, "Except for Albertans. I hate those bastards." I received this:

My name is XXXXXX and I am writing you in concern to you latest article in Here. I am a Maritimer that lived in Calgary for 5 years. I'm writing to tell you that I agree with your view on Americans... they all are not that bad. However, your comment on Alberta is very hypocritical and the line ' [Albertans] I hate those
bastards,' is uncalled for and borders on the line of a hate crime. I'm writing for you to strongly consider putting a public apology in your next slot in Here. I truly believe that you are just an average Joe like I am, and in keeping with a truly Canadian identity, I truly believe that we need to keep our mouth shut sometimes - even if we hate somebody. Speaking hate against a member or members of a
minority group are just as bad as speaking it about caucasians from Alberta. If you'd like to talk about this, feel free to drop me a line or call me at XXXXXX. It wouldn't be very 'Canadian' to launch a complaint with the RCMP. So please address this, I'd really appreciate it. Please don't take offence to this, I've said my share of 'dumb' things in the past. Raised in Alberta.....

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In a recent column, I was the first-ever journalist to note that the Rolling Stones are old. I also said that the fan base is broader than I would expect for the band. I got this:

Dear Mr. Mazerolle I understand your job as humour columnist but your supposed humour in the May 19-26 issue of Here Magazine, I being a hardcore, devoted Rolling Stones
fan find a bit difficulty not responding to it. It seems a little surprising that bring an employee of the CBC and not having the slightest idea of the musical and historical significance of the Rolling Stones. To even include the Stones name in the same paragraph as Sharon, Lois and Bram is neither humerous or creative. It serves only as a blatant showing of ignorance, mindlessness and a prime example of a free newspaper columnists commentary on things they know nothing about. I guess also as an example of the uneducated, snotty attitude that a god portion of the current crop of
crap of so called music “artists” today possess. Also, to suggest the Stones “have not put out a solid album since the Cimean War…” well never mind. I obviously assume you’ve never listen to a Rolling Stones record before. You’re only aware of how old they are. I can only suggest you pick up Voodoo Lounge or Bridges to Babylon. And no the Rolling stones do not have “eerier powers”. They provoke such emotion, excitement, and passion simply because they truly are “the greatest rock and roll band in the World,” past, present, and yes quite possible the future. But even before that, they more than any other legendary band have created some of the most beautiful, melodically rich, rockin’ songs in the history of popular music. ON the contrary to what you may already assume. I am not some bitter over 50 year old. I’m 23, I love music, I know what’s real and will defend it.
Hope to see ya at the show1111
Rolling Stone,
XXXXXXX
Ps the “two other guys” are Charlie Watts, and Darryl Jones.

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And now my favourite. After an anti-smoking column (which I return to in this week's issue of 'here'), I received the best hate-mail ever. The death threat she's referring to was making fun of smokers who say, "Well, we all have to die some time" I wrote something like, "I'll help them with that, they feel so strongly about it."

My name is XXXXXXX and I read the Here Magazine every week, and every week you manage to upset me. I don't know if you enjoy upsetting people or if you are just an ignorant man who only cares about his owns views and oppinions. Every body has the right to their own oppionion, but know one has the right to threaten someones life, as you did. I take what you had to say in your most recent column on smoking very personally as I am a smoker. What gives you the right to call people you don't even know stupid, I happen to be a very smart woman.....and you say you want to kill me, honestly, who do you think you are. You want to kill people, maybe you should be in
prison. Maybe you are a threat to society. I am very respectfull to none smokers, I do not smoke around them and even if a none smoker is in my home, (MY HOME), I will not smoke around them. I normally try to blow off any of your thoughts or opinions but this week you went to far. I can't believe you can even write in a paper that you would like to kill someone.....I think you need to seek professional help.

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So, in conclusion, my job rocks.

Cheers,
John