Plane talking

Because the web layout people at Brunswick News seem incapable of laying out my column with bold, italics, and the proper paragraph breaks, no matter how many times I complain, here is this week's humour column.

Plane talking
Air France Flight 358: Best plane crash ever?

The crash of Air France flight 358 was great, wasn't it? The brisk, refreshing taste of catastrophe, but with none of the offputting aftertaste usually caused by corpses and grieving relatives and whatnot. Finally, a plane crash journalists can embrace!

An airplane crash without casualties is like a gift from God for those of us in the journalistic community, because it offers us the opportunity to joke about it publicly, the same way that we joke privately about every other plane crash. You will be no doubt be shocked to learn that journalists frequently talk glibly about disasters, whether they be minor accidents like a Cessna crash, or major catastrophes, like Michael Jackson.

Here's why we do it: Our constant exposure to carnage and destruction, made necessary by our solemn duty to bring you the latest developments worldwide, requires us to create various "release valves" that help us maintain our mental health.

Also, we are jerks.

With that in mind, here are some of my observations about Air France Flight 358 and plane crashes in general. Note that I have resisted the urge to call it a crash course.

The media were duped: This accident was unique in that it forced the world media to pay attention to a crash where everything turned out okay. That's unprecedented. If this had happened at a less prominent airport, the story would have aired in the evening-news slot usually reserved for the world's largest rutabaga or a dog playing piano. I was watching the crash coverage live on CNN and, as it became clear that everybody had survived, you could almost hear the station's reporters cancelling their trips to Canada. "That's very encouraging news!" Wolf Blitzer kept shouting about the survivors. Though I'm sure he was thinking, "It's not news anymore!"

Adjectives + Plane Crashes, Lesson I: Because everybody survived, talking heads in the media couldn't use any of their favourite disaster cliches. Usually plane disasters are described as "tragic." This helps the viewer distinguish between a tragic plane crash and the other kind: "This news just in. Three hundred and twenty people were killed yesterday in an upbeat plane crash, when Air Canada flight 113 plunged happily into a mountainside. Officials are calling the crash "agreeable," as it killed 302 terminally ill patients on their way to a Euthanasia Conference. The flight crew did not survive, but they were all part of a pedophilia ring, so no loss."

Adjectives + Plane Crashes, Lesson II: On the other hand, because everybody survived, the media were able to label the crash "a miracle." I hate that. In this case, it takes away from the excellent job the firefighters and flight crew did. But at least it's not as bad as when an entire flight complement dies except for a child or two, and they become "miracle babies," as if God decided to save a couple of people but couldn't have been bothered with the whole plane. Or maybe He's just clumsy. Theologians could call it graceless Grace. At any rate, let's ban the term "Miracle Flight" until a plane with no wings is landed safely by Jesus, 'kay?

The survivors are resilient in their stupidity: Sometimes a major catastrophe can cause a person to lose perspective, so it's nice to see that so many of the Air France passengers were able to quickly re-enter their former lives as morons. The day after the crash, some survivors complained that the escape was frantic (imagine!) and involved a four-metre jump from one door because the emergency slide wouldn't deploy.

Also, some relatives had to wait a whole hour before they were informed their loved ones were okay.

So next time, following the advice of these passengers, Air France will provide a slow and orderly departure from the burning aircraft ("Tea? Coffee? Evacuation?"), and loved ones will be told that everybody is fine, whether they can confirm that or not. And if one of the emergency slides won't deploy, then, by gum, they'll take the time to fetch and inflate a new one. That's how much they care about their customers.

If I were Air France, I'd offer free crash landings to any disappointed survivor until they're completely satisfied.

Wouldn't it be nice to read an entire news story - even a relatively positive story like this one - and not have to wonder why people are so tragic? Now that would be a miracle.