As per Gilbert's request . . .

Here is this year's nominated commentary. Last year's winner is below.

March 17, 2005:

So did you catch that interview with Kenneth Irving on the front page of the paper yesterday? In light of the millions of dollars that Irving Oil will be saving thanks to tax breaks, this hard-hitting piece of investigative journalism revealed that Kenneth is both genuine AND disarming. He’ll fetch you a bottle of water if you’re sweating, and he likes to be called “Ken.” He also said that he mayor made “a heck of a decision.”

Well, I can’t argue with him there.

Lots of Saint Johners think Norm and his council made “a heck of a decision.” As in, “What the heck were they thinking?”

Mayor Norm sat down in the council chambers on Monday and revealed that he’s been watching way too many episodes of ‘24.’ He said he’d been told that the deal had to be done . . . by midnight! Or Saint John and New Brunswick . . . are lost! I wish I was making that up.

Some combination of “Ken” Irving and their Spanish tango partner Repsol decided that midnight - on the night of a council meeting - was zero hour for natural gas in Saint John. If the deal wasn’t made RIGHT THIS SECOND, then the deal would be off and, on Tuesday, natural gas terminals would be springing up like Starbucks across New England.

Is it just me, or does this seem suspiciously like when a used-car salesman says, “I really need to go in and discuss this with my boss, but he needs to know you’re serious about buying the car.”

Norm was definitely feeling the pressure. His presentation to council sounded like he was reading a victim impact statement, and his claim that he looked into Kenneth’s eyes to seek the truth was the kind of wince-worthy quote that can define a term in office.

And when he defended the deal, Norm thrashed around like a drowning man grasping for a lifeline. He said it was council as a team that made the decision, not him. He said he was doing it for the children. And he said, “Hey, I pay taxes, too,” which is the economic equivalent of “Some of my best friends are black.”

In other words, Norm was feeling the heat. He was facing tough questions, and, though he wasn’t answering them very well, he was at least facing them. Which brings us back to the man who made him make the decision – Ken – who sits in his office and talks about how swell the project is, to a reporter who writes about how swell he is.

Your business may be private, Ken, but tax breaks are a public issue. At this rate, we’re going to be the only city in the world that’s full of industry but has no people. The 20 employees this terminal will create will all live in the Valley if they’re smart.

But, hey, maybe you’re right. Maybe this was the only way to do it. All I ask is that you truly step out of the shadows and explain why. There is a roomful of journalists at CBC who cover the Irving family all the time, and most of them don’t even know what you look like.

I just want to see you. I hear you have beautiful eyes.
-
For Information Morning, I’m John Mazerolle

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April 1, 2004

So, it’s time to sing the praises of Elsie Wayne. She’ll have a chance to say goodbye on a radio talk show tomorrow, and she’s being feted by the Conservatives in a $150 a plate retirement party Friday.

And I have to admit it. I’d pay $150 to watch her leave politics. With any luck, there’ll be a catapult.

Now, I can already hear people dialing in to defend her Elsieness. But I’m performing a civic duty here. I have to make sure the people remember that as she retires, there are a lot of us who did not think she was the Great Little MP in the East.

I got so annoyed reading the string of compliments in the newspaper when she announced her retirement that I turned to a friend in protest: "She didn’t die!"

Even people who I know think she’s damaging to the city were treating the end of her political life with an amount of reverence usually reserved for funeral eulogies.
Which leaves me to dance on this political grave.

First, understand that this has nothing to do with age. In life as in politics, age is irrelevant. No, this has to do with, well, with almost everything she’s done over the last four or five years.

How do I hate your politics, Elsie Wayne? Let me count the ways.

#1) Same-sex marriage. You listeners may have heard about this. In a little publicized incident, Wayne told gays seeking equality to shut up about it. We’re not talking about simple disagreement here, either. She actually said, "We should not have to tolerate it in Canada." She actually refused to meet with the local gay community. So, she is, in faith and in deed, intolerant.

#2) Marijuana. I think the marijuana debate is a subtle one, and am open to arguments on either side, but Wayne has such a cartoonish view of the drug that I think she may have a writing credit on "Reefer Madness." So, she is an ideologue.

#3) Terrorism. Remember when Wayne said there was a terrorist cell operating in Saint John and then took it back after an RCMP briefing? Maybe you don’t, since nobody took her seriously at the time then either. So, she’s either irresponsible or inconsequential.

#4) Intergovernmental affairs. Wayne and Saint John Mayor Shirley McAlary get along about as well as two cats in a bag. The two politicians that should be working together the most look like they’re on the world’s worst lesbian first date when ever they have to suffer the indignity of standing next to one another. So, she’s inflexible, too.

To recap, that’s intolerant, ideological, irresponsible, inconsequential and inflexible. Should Elsie Wayne retire from politics and never come back? The ‘i’s have it.

So . . . for every gay person who feels persecuted by their own elected official . . .for every clear thinker who thinks that the separation of church and state is kind of important . . . for every city official who has thought to themselves, "Don’t call me darlin’"

Let us sing the praises of the retirement of Elsie Wayne.

Na na na na. . . na na na na . . . hey hey hey, goodbye . . .
-
For Information Morning, I’m John Mazerolle

Cheers,
John

Warning: Self horn-tooting ahead

Since no one else is likely to tell you, I'd like to say that I've been nominated for an Atlantic Journalism Award for the second year in a row - this time for my commentary mocking Kenneth Irving and Norm McFarlane over the LNG deal.

(I have that awkward feeling like when you have to mention your own birthday.)

This is more gratifying than last year, because a one-time nomination could be a fluke. Two nominations could be two flukes, but surely there's a statute of limitations when it comes to flukiness. At any rate, I'm pleased.

(And now I awkwardly shuffle away.)

Cheers,
John

Springtime in Vienna

Spring has sprung in the Old World. Song birds, ice cream parlours, the whole nine yards. It's not T-shirt weather, but the time of year when standing in the sunbeams warms your face and makes you think of enjoying beer on a sunlit patio at 8 p.m. I've actually had the windows open for the last couple of days, when the sun was hitting the building. Ah, Vienna. Membership does have its privileges.

On another happy note, Sabine has been accepted to come to Canada as a permanent resident. They said processing could take at least seven months, but it took about three. Huzzah for Canadian bureacracy!

Cheers,
John

I wonder what the North Americans are doing this time of year . . .

I never write about my life in this thing like most people, so let's remedy that:

FAMILY LIFE: Everything's good on the homefront, though I've never expected otherwise. She's working evenings at the moment, which I don't like much. Evenings feel like together-time. Other than that, no complaints. (At least, I have no complaints about her.)

VIENNA LIFE: I'm now to the point where - I almost wrote 'it's just another city.' That's not right. It is substantially different. But I don't feel touristy anymore. In fact, I probably go out more when I'm in Saint John, though that's because I don't really have any close friends here. Language barrier and all that.

Besides our usual trip to a fantastic trivia night on Thursday (we used to go to a really terrible one, then found this one on the same night), I sometimes go uptown just to soak up the city. We also go to the movies sometimes. We've recently seen Good Night and Good Luck (which I liked) and The Constant Gardener (which was fantastic).

Still no luck in begging friends to come to Vienna so I can play tour guide. Who needs convincing?

WRITING: I've started a book, with actual deadlines and everything. (I have to be at the 5000-word mark by midnight tomorrow). I've had two false starts in the past, but with the deadlines, a much clearer vision than usual, and the first draft of the introduction completed, I feel much better about this than the previous attempts. Plus I have more experience and more knowledge. I hear those count for something.

I've also changed the format of All the News That's Fit to Mock. I decided I'd start writing headlines with the stories, like most fake news. It makes it a lot easier, to be honest. I came up with so many potential headlines for the Tim Hortons in Afghanistan that I couldn't decide which one to use:

Critics: Tims in Afghanistan could put Afghan mom-and-pop donut shops out of business
Canadian soldiers' coffee better than their armour
Tim Hortons true story unusually gory
New 'Harper Doctrine' to spread double-doubles around the world
Reports show that Tim Hortons supported al-Qaeda in the 1980s
Minimum wage not enough at Afghanistan Tims, workers complain
Troops fight for corporate-mandated mediocrity

I decided on the Qaeda one.

I'm happy for the development 'here' has offered me over the last five years, but I can't wait to start writing for something more widely read again.

RUNNING: When I first arrived back in Saint John in November, I started a running regime. I started with walking actually, using what the advice books said was a good program for people who have been completely sedentary. That wasn't true, but I figured it would still be good to follow because it would help with making it part of my routine, obtaining running gear, etc. I made it through that first, and now I'm at the end of the "Beginner's Conditioning" routine. I can now run 20 minutes no problem. I'm pleased, remembering how I was sucking wind after a steady walk at the beginning. I'll continue moving up the charts in my running book, and run a marathon some time. It won't be this year, I think, but 2007 for sure.

GERMAN: My German has been in stasis mode lately. I can speak about as much I could when my wedding was six months ago. I'd like to get back on that.

FUTURE LIFE: This seems to change based on extenuating circumstances every 11 minutes or so, but at the moment it goes like this. I come home April 18, stay till mid-May, leave until late September, then return to either Saint John, Fredericton, Moncton, or Charlottetown depending on where I can find full-time reporting/editing work, followed by a world trip at some point, probably after a couple of years of saving. This may change again by the time you read it.

There you go. Nothing too exciting, which is why I rarely write about it. Now back to your regularly scheduled diet of Friday Feasts.

Cheers,
John

I'm home on April 18, but in the meantime here's the Friday Feast

Appetizer
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how intuitive do you think you are?

Intuition is a favourite compliment of psychics and fraudulent personality tests. ("It's clear that you're very intuitive.") Naturally, told by an "expert" or an empathetic person holding your hand that you're intuitive, it would take a major and painful brain shift to say, "No, I'm not." Almost everybody thinks they're intuitive, in the same way everyone thinks there a good driver. That said, I'd give myself something very low. Say, a 2. I'm not much of a driver, either.

Soup
What is your favorite kind of gum?

Excel sugar-free (or is all Excel sugar-free?) I buy it to keep myself from buying chocolate bars. It partially satisfies my sweet tooth, but mostly it keeps me from popping chocolate in a minty mouth, which would be gross. It's expensive, though. I go through a package in a half an hour or so.

Salad
Name a CD you own that you would never get rid of.

There isn't one. Not because I don't like my CDs (I only have several dozen anyway), but because I have a very shoddy record of taking care of my belongings. However, I wouldn't let anything happen to the Rolling Stones 500 that Jay burned for Sabine and myself, as it was a gift.

Main Course
When was the last time you said something you didn't mean?

In real life, that's a rare occurance. So probably something I said on the radio. Maybe the riff on Christmas carols I did. So, let me make it clear, I don't really think you should administer gold to a freezing child, even if they have a blanket. There. I hope no one thinks less of me.


Dessert
What is the sum of the numbers in your birthdate? (Example: 3 + 2 + 1 + 9 + 7 + 9 = 31)

I will not dignify this stupid question with a response. Also, I don't wish to reveal that I'm The Beast.

Friday Feast

Appetizer
How many pillows and blankets do you sleep with?

Generally only one blanket and one pillow, but they're put to good use. I sleep in a sort of part-fetal, part cowering-from-nuclear-war kind of way, with the pillow clamped tightly over my head.

Soup
What are you currently "addicted" to?
What am I not addicted to? Pastry, the Internet, meat, television . . . My compulsiveness is my least favourite part about me, though I've done much better lately, I think. (I say "compulsiveness" rather than "addiction" because I don't find myself craving things when they're not around. But put a plate of bacon in front of me, for instance, and if I'm not careful I'll eat the whole thing whether I'm enjoying it or not.)

Salad
If you could make a small change to your current routine or schedule that would make you just a little bit happier, what would it be?

Is the goal to be a little bit happier, or can I pick something that would make me a lot happier? I guess sticking to my schedule would make me happy. Even on days when I start well, things tend to drift around 3ish unless there's a deadline.

Main Course
Which adjective do you find yourself using often?

Hmm. . . Excellent question. In my writing, "stupid" comes up a lot. In everyday speech, "beautiful" probably come up most often, thanks to my wife.

Dessert
Have you ever picked up a hitchhiker?

Yep, though I don't drive very often. I'd be hypocritical not to pick up hitchhikers, since I've done it so much myself. I got roughly 100 rides during the 11 weeks I was in New Zealand.

Cheers,
John